I grew up in a home where my Papa's rules were the absolute law of the land. Sometimes the only way to get out of the hot seat was to volunteer someone else for it by telling on them. That sounds awful but if you were ever caught on the wrong side of Papa's discipline, then you would know how very necessary it was to try to save your own hide. The man did not play, not at all.
It's not always children who point out the misdeeds of others to hide their own. I had developed a pattern of doing this in my communications with God. I would often point out what I felt others were doing wrong in a subconscious effort not to deal with my own vices.
I was a professional at playing the victim.
I would act as if I had no faults, as if nothing inside me needing fixing. I came to Him thinking that the only help I could use from Him was to get others to believe in a way that benefited me. I wanted others to accept me as I was because I didn't see any need for change within.
It's not that I truly thought I was perfect, it was that I thought my life circumstances had warranted me a free pass. I felt that because of some of my misfortunes, it was alright for me to act any which way. The problem was always the fault of someone else. I was unwilling to accept responsibility and accountability for my actions.
I was a professional at playing the victim. I had it down cold. I thought my victim status allowed me to be beyond reproach. I was unable to accept that some of my negative life circumstances had produced unhealthy traits that I needed to address and overcome. I always had reasons for doing wrong and I couldn't understand why He was unwilling to make others see my point of view.
I acted as if I was the only person dealing with adverse conditions.
I needed God to justify my bad behavior and bad decisions. I hoped he would make others see that some of the destructive things I was doing, I did because I was hurting inside. I definitely at that time did not consider that everyone has been hurt, that others also had sources of pain. I acted as if I was the only person dealing with adverse conditions.
I wanted God to show everyone how wrong they were about me. I had convinced myself that it was others that needed fixing and not me. I felt I had already been through more than my share of hardships; therefore the resulting behaviors and attitudes should be exempt from scrutiny. I was waiting for God to put me on a pedestal. Needless to say, He did not. He doesn't play favorites. That's simply not who He is. In the process of getting close to Him, I had to face my own truths.
Whether we are starting from a place of spiritual deprivation or simply trying to strengthen an already strong spirit, we all have room for improvement. No one now or ever will be perfect except Jesus. We can only be better and if I wanted to become a better person, I had to stop trying to divert blame and attention to others and deal with myself.
It took me a while to peel through the layers of bull that I had been presenting to God.
Once I dropped this victim persona and stopped deflecting, everything started to change. It didn't happen overnight. It took me a while to peel through the layers of bull that I had been presenting to God. It took some effort to get to the reality of what was going on in my heart and mind. I had to sort through all the lies and misrepresentations to reach a place where real communication, intimacy, and trust could begin.
Facing my negative truths was gut-wrenching but knowing God loves me unconditionally provided the strength I required to start taking an inventory. We are all worth the efforts of self-betterment and empowerment. I was only cheating myself by pointing fingers at others who were navigating the same journey. It was time for me to concentrate on my own healing and growth. I am responsible for doing the emotional and spiritual work to become a better person. It is not up to others. It has always been up to me.
I want to help uplift, inspire and empower others and to help leave the world a little better than I found it. I am an author, deep thinker & optimist. I know God is love. I am the author of "Candidreams: I Remember the Beginning" and "Role Reversal: Turn Pain Into Power".
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Featuring original artwork by Ran H.