My Prayers are in Need of an Upgrade

     Once I opened the door to let Jesus back into my life, things happened that led me to one conclusion. The conclusion was that I did not want to be without Him again. I had begun to regain my trust in Him and I also began to see that if I had trusted Him more all along, I wouldn't have went through the so many things that He delivered me from. For the first time in my life, I was able to see with my own eyes what a great friend Jesus had been to me.

He didn't put our relationship on pause, it was me.

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     In not wanting to lose Him again, I began praying what I called the “Please don't leave me again” prayer. No matter what life would bring, I did not want Him to walk out of mine again. I prayed that He would stick with me in the future and would not allow me to regress to the point where I pushed Him away by emotionally and spiritually shutting Him out.
     In strengthening my relationship with Him, I began to understand that He wasn't the one who walked away. I was. He didn't put our relationship on pause, it was me. I pushed Him away. I remembered that even when I pushed Him away, He stood patiently on the other side of the door waiting for me to answer. I was the one responsible for shutting Him out, not the other way around.
     Because of that realization, my prayer changed once more. My new prayer was that He help me remain close to Him. I wanted Him to help me recognize when I was feeling weak and to not let me walk away anymore. I called this my “Don't Get Too Far Away” prayer because I never wanted to lose touch with Him again.
     Soon, this prayer didn't seem enough. I didn't want to get anywhere close to the person I was before. I wanted Him to catch me before my weaknesses had even the slightest chance of leading me astray. I wanted Him to nip any regression in the bud. I started a prayer called the “Tap Me on My Shoulder ” prayer so that He would gently tap me on my shoulder to remind me of Who He was and what kind of friend and Savior He had proven Himself to be. I asked that this be a gentle warning of when I was in danger of backsliding.

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The grief was so overwhelming that I felt disconnected from God and I couldn't stop myself.

     These prayers worked for awhile. My relationship with Jesus was growing and I was growing. Something happened though, that put all of this on the line. My Mom died. Anyone who has suffered the loss of a parent can tell you that no matter what steps you take to prepare for the loss (if you are blessed enough to have time to prepare), you will never in any way be truly ready. It is something that can turn you upside down and inside out. All the preparation in the world will not lead to absolute readiness. It may help you to manage the grief but does nothing to stop it.
     Here I was again, in a place ripe for spiritual and emotional regression. It definitely showed. I didn't return to drugs but I did return to other forms of self destruction like excessive drinking and partying. It wasn't that I wanted to destroy myself. I was angry, bitter and just plain old lost. The grief was so overwhelming that I felt disconnected from God and I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't stop myself but I knew He could.

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My prayers are constantly changing because I am constantly changing.

     I decided I needed a new prayer. I called this one the “Yank Me Up Prayer” and it was exactly how it sounds. I was in such a downward spiral, that I asked the Lord to “Yank Me Up” because tapping me on the shoulder to keep me close was not going to work this time. I needed Him to actually stop me dead in my tracks, gently or roughly, because I did not have the strength to stop myself.
     He did just that. Six months after losing my Mom, I was charged with a DUI. This DUI was a blessing because it yanked me up at a time when I was in so much pain, that I had little self control. The hurt of losing my mother was so horrendous that I could barely feel the connection I had been building with God. I asked Him to yank me up and He did. I can't imagine a person being more thankful for a DUI than I was at that point.
     My prayers are constantly changing because I am constantly changing. My relationship with God has grown and therefore so have I. It all started with me opening the door to Him. It took time and definitely wasn't always easy but letting God back into my life was the best decision I ever made. These days, I rarely feel disconnected from Him because I've learned how to grow my relationship with Him and to remain close.

Please share any prayers or thoughts others may find helpful.
Maybe sharing a little of your story will help uplift, inspire or empower someone else. If you prefer to just leave a comment, I would love that as well!