I was introduced to God in the light of the church but I didn't get to know Him until I was in the darkness of my own misery. Though I had learned about Him, believed in Him and started developing faith in Him at an early age, it wasn't until my drug addiction years later that I got to know Him better for myself, that I developed my own true, personal relationship with Him.
In life, we sometimes find ourselves in places that we never imagined.
I never thought I'd be a drug addict but it happened. In life, we sometimes find ourselves in places that we never imagined. Some people fall into addiction because they are bored. I believe most people fall into it for the same reasons as I did, to numb or escape their pain. I once saw a button that read “People use drugs because they work.” and that is true. Even though they do mostly awful things, the escape and numbness is real. I didn't believe in the vitality of other coping mechanisms so I chose the drugs.
I was sitting in my bedroom floor a few months after the car wreck that killed my 18 year old brother. I was in mental and spiritual agony. I was absolutely heart broken and grief stricken and would have done almost anything to stop those overwhelming feelings. I remember saying to God that if I smoked one more laced blunt (marijuana laced with crack cocaine), I was going to lose control, that I would turn the corner from experimenting to outright addiction. That would be enough for most people to stop but I was angry. I was raging inside.
I remember also at that moment asking God to leave me alone.
I sat and looked at the laced blunt. I sarcastically and bitterly asked God would He bring my brother back. I then sarcastically and bitterly answered my own question. I told Him I knew He would not and since He would not, I was going to go ahead and smoke that laced blunt.
That defiantly, is exactly what I did. I remember also at that moment asking God to leave me alone, to let me go, to allow me to live and exist without Him because I was so hurt that He took my brother from me. I was devastated that He betrayed me and I wasn't about to give Him a chance to do that again.
You may not have ever used drugs so you may not think any of this applies to you. However, most of us have experienced some type of pain so traumatic that we tried to run from it. What I quickly learned is that in trying to numb or run from the pain, I was also running from the chance to heal. I had become too numb for the healing process to work.
God didn't force His way back into my life or my heart.
Although I tried my best to push God away, He never actually left. He didn't push Himself on me either. God is a gentleman. I was told this by a good friend more than once and it is something I experienced for myself. God didn't force His way back into my life or my heart. He knocked on my door and left it up to me whether or not to let Him in.
He didn't kick down the door. The decision was always mine. When I didn't answer, He just simply knocked again later. He wasn't pushy. He knocked in such a way as to let me know that He would be there when I was ready.
When I was finally ready to heal, I opened the door and invited Jesus in. He didn't chastise me. He didn't beat me up. He walked right on in with opening and comforting arms. There was no automatic or sudden perfection in our relationship. In fact, because I am so imperfect, our relationship will never approach perfection but it can still grow and become stronger. Like any relationship, that takes time, trust and honesty. Opening the door was only the beginning.
Maybe sharing a little of your story will uplift, inspire or empower someone else or if you prefer to just comment, I would love that as well.
I want to help uplift, inspire and empower others and to help leave the world a little better than I found it. I am an author, deep thinker & optimist. I know God is love. I am the author of "Candidreams: I Remember the Beginning" and "Role Reversal: Turn Pain Into Power".
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Featuring original artwork by Ran H.