Once I opened the door to let Jesus back into my life, things happened that led me to one conclusion. The conclusion was that I did not want to be without Him again. I had begun to regain my trust in Him and I also began to see that if I had trusted Him more all along, I wouldn't have went through the so many things that He delivered me from. For the first time in my life, I was able to see with my own eyes what a great friend Jesus had been to me.
He didn't put our relationship on pause, it was me.
In not wanting to lose Him again, I began praying what I called the “Please don't leave me again” prayer. No matter what life would bring, I did not want Him to walk out of mine again. I prayed that He would stick with me in the future and would not allow me to regress to the point where I pushed Him away by emotionally and spiritually shutting Him out.
In strengthening my relationship with Him, I began to understand that He wasn't the one who walked away. I was. He didn't put our relationship on pause, it was me. I pushed Him away. I remembered that even when I pushed Him away, He stood patiently on the other side of the door waiting for me to answer. I was the one responsible for shutting Him out, not the other way around.
Because of that realization, my prayer changed once more. My new prayer was that He help me remain close to Him. I wanted Him to help me recognize when I was feeling weak and to not let me walk away anymore. I called this my “Don't Get Too Far Away” prayer because I never wanted to lose touch with Him again.
Soon, this prayer didn't seem enough. I didn't want to get anywhere close to the person I was before. I wanted Him to catch me before my weaknesses had even the slightest chance of leading me astray. I wanted Him to nip any regression in the bud. I started a prayer called the “Tap Me on My Shoulder ” prayer so that He would gently tap me on my shoulder to remind me of Who He was and what kind of friend and Savior He had proven Himself to be. I asked that this be a gentle warning of when I was in danger of backsliding.
The grief was so overwhelming that I felt disconnected from God and I couldn't stop myself.
These prayers worked for awhile. My relationship with Jesus was growing and I was growing. Something happened though, that put all of this on the line. My Mom died. Anyone who has suffered the loss of a parent can tell you that no matter what steps you take to prepare for the loss (if you are blessed enough to have time to prepare), you will never in any way be truly ready. It is something that can turn you upside down and inside out. All the preparation in the world will not lead to absolute readiness. It may help you to manage the grief but does nothing to stop it.
Here I was again, in a place ripe for spiritual and emotional regression. It definitely showed. I didn't return to drugs but I did return to other forms of self destruction like excessive drinking and partying. It wasn't that I wanted to destroy myself. I was angry, bitter and just plain old lost. The grief was so overwhelming that I felt disconnected from God and I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't stop myself but I knew He could.
My prayers are constantly changing because I am constantly changing.
I decided I needed a new prayer. I called this one the “Yank Me Up Prayer” and it was exactly how it sounds. I was in such a downward spiral, that I asked the Lord to “Yank Me Up” because tapping me on the shoulder to keep me close was not going to work this time. I needed Him to actually stop me dead in my tracks, gently or roughly, because I did not have the strength to stop myself.
He did just that. Six months after losing my Mom, I was charged with a DUI. This DUI was a blessing because it yanked me up at a time when I was in so much pain, that I had little self control. The hurt of losing my mother was so horrendous that I could barely feel the connection I had been building with God. I asked Him to yank me up and He did. I can't imagine a person being more thankful for a DUI than I was at that point.
My prayers are constantly changing because I am constantly changing. My relationship with God has grown and therefore so have I. It all started with me opening the door to Him. It took time and definitely wasn't always easy but letting God back into my life was the best decision I ever made. These days, I rarely feel disconnected from Him because I've learned how to grow my relationship with Him and to remain close.
Please share any prayers or thoughts others may find helpful.
Maybe sharing a little of your story will help uplift, inspire or empower someone else. If you prefer to just leave a comment, I would love that as well!
I was introduced to God in the light of the church but I didn't get to know Him until I was in the darkness of my own misery. Though I had learned about Him, believed in Him and started developing faith in Him at an early age, it wasn't until my drug addiction years later that I got to know Him better for myself, that I developed my own true, personal relationship with Him.
In life, we sometimes find ourselves in places that we never imagined.
I never thought I'd be a drug addict but it happened. In life, we sometimes find ourselves in places that we never imagined. Some people fall into addiction because they are bored. I believe most people fall into it for the same reasons as I did, to numb or escape their pain. I once saw a button that read “People use drugs because they work.” and that is true. Even though they do mostly awful things, the escape and numbness is real. I didn't believe in the vitality of other coping mechanisms so I chose the drugs.
I was sitting in my bedroom floor a few months after the car wreck that killed my 18 year old brother. I was in mental and spiritual agony. I was absolutely heart broken and grief stricken and would have done almost anything to stop those overwhelming feelings. I remember saying to God that if I smoked one more laced blunt (marijuana laced with crack cocaine), I was going to lose control, that I would turn the corner from experimenting to outright addiction. That would be enough for most people to stop but I was angry. I was raging inside.
I remember also at that moment asking God to leave me alone.
I sat and looked at the laced blunt. I sarcastically and bitterly asked God would He bring my brother back. I then sarcastically and bitterly answered my own question. I told Him I knew He would not and since He would not, I was going to go ahead and smoke that laced blunt.
That defiantly, is exactly what I did. I remember also at that moment asking God to leave me alone, to let me go, to allow me to live and exist without Him because I was so hurt that He took my brother from me. I was devastated that He betrayed me and I wasn't about to give Him a chance to do that again.
You may not have ever used drugs so you may not think any of this applies to you. However, most of us have experienced some type of pain so traumatic that we tried to run from it. What I quickly learned is that in trying to numb or run from the pain, I was also running from the chance to heal. I had become too numb for the healing process to work.
God didn't force His way back into my life or my heart.
Although I tried my best to push God away, He never actually left. He didn't push Himself on me either. God is a gentleman. I was told this by a good friend more than once and it is something I experienced for myself. God didn't force His way back into my life or my heart. He knocked on my door and left it up to me whether or not to let Him in.
He didn't kick down the door. The decision was always mine. When I didn't answer, He just simply knocked again later. He wasn't pushy. He knocked in such a way as to let me know that He would be there when I was ready.
When I was finally ready to heal, I opened the door and invited Jesus in. He didn't chastise me. He didn't beat me up. He walked right on in with opening and comforting arms. There was no automatic or sudden perfection in our relationship. In fact, because I am so imperfect, our relationship will never approach perfection but it can still grow and become stronger. Like any relationship, that takes time, trust and honesty. Opening the door was only the beginning.
Maybe sharing a little of your story will uplift, inspire or empower someone else or if you prefer to just comment, I would love that as well.
I want to help uplift, inspire and empower others and to help leave the world a little better than I found it. I am an author, deep thinker & optimist. I know God is love. I am the author of "Candidreams: I Remember the Beginning" and "Role Reversal: Turn Pain Into Power".
This website uses marketing and tracking technologies. Opting out of this will opt you out of all cookies, except for those needed to run the website. Note that some products may not work as well without tracking cookies.Opt Out of Cookies
Featuring original artwork by Ran H.