About Face

 About Face 

I think sometimes she doesn't love me 
  cause I look like my “dad”
  and the way that he treated her 
  left her angry, scared and sad.

He was such a smooth talker that 
  she made many bad decisions.
She wasn’t prepared to deal with 
  the reality of their consequences.

He left her with a hole in her soul 
  and two little girls to raise, 
  overwhelming financial debt 
   and a heart full of pain.

I can see it in her eyes sometimes, 
  how she looks upon my face.
I’m a lifelong reminder   
  of her mistakes and disgrace.

She doesn't bite her tongue.
Her hatred for him is clear.
I wonder if life would be better for her, 
  if I were never here.

I know that she loves me 
  though she rarely says the words.
I know she didn't mean to- 
  to pass on so much hurt.

I won’t have cosmetic surgery, 
  no facial transformation or change.
I just wonder if all of my life  from her,
  I will be estranged?

There are a few other reasons 
  that we treat each other wrong 
  but this is the only one 
​  that will last my whole life long.

"About Face" is an excerpt from Role Reversal: Turn Pain Into Power

About "About Face"

     It's not just me. As unpleasant as it is, I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I am not the only person in this world to have had an up and down relationship with their mother. In fact, I later learned that I was fortunate. She never abused us. There were times when she was simply overwhelmed especially since she had not properly addressed her own personal demons. We were fortunate because when life became too much, she moved us back to the home she grew up in. She did her best even when my immaturity did not allow me the space to see it.
     When things were good between us, it was awesome. We played cards together, took trips, and just hung out. We had our share of adventures. When things were not good, it was hurtful and awful. We butt heads. We argued. There were times when I was downright disrespectful and mean. I would list her shortcomings and mistakes as a mother to excuse my behavior. Though my feelings may have been easily justifiable, many times, my reactions were not. They were that of a scared, insecure, and abandoned-feeling child.
     Many underlying issues contributed to the rough patches in our relationship. “About Face” speaks on the particular dynamic of a mother raising a child that looks just like the man who devastated her. It took her a long time to get over the pain and trauma of their relationship. I know she didn't do it on purpose, but there were times I felt I was a burden to her because my looks were a constant reminder of my father.
    I am thankful that my mother and I were able to get past some of the hindrances to our relationship. I grew up and was able to see her as a person rather than just my mother. She dealt with many of her issues and tried her best to make amends, to prepare us for life without her. Some people never get that. They never get a chance to heal from their parent's mistakes. Some parents are unwilling to even admit they made any. Though she was far from perfect, she was and will always be my mother. I choose to carry only the good things and to remember us at our best.